4 years ago my life changed forever... it wasn't in that wonderful way that makes you blissfully happy, it was that way that rips you from the inside out... where the world you know becomes a memory and all the plans you made for the future are gone. 4 years ago today I lost Ryan.
There truly are no words that can describe what it is like to lose your soul mate, the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with, the daddy of your children. There are no words to describe what the path you walk after something like that happens either. Even now when I look back it is a blur... of tears, of grief and of sadness. With all the pain that filled my heart there was one thing that made me smile even though I was dying inside and that was my babies. It was them that kept me going and it was their beautiful little smiles that kept me seeing the dawn of the next day.
When Ryan passed I was so scared of dying from a broken heart, I was scared that I would never be me again. I couldn't see how I could go on without him. Yet everyday I pushed on and picked myself up because those little girls need me and even though everything is different now and I have more happy moments than sad there is still an overwhelming piece of me that is still missing. I have normal again and I have ME again but we are much different than we were before.
For me the quote above rings so very true, for the sadness I feel inside will NEVER pass, the loss I feel will stay with me forever... You cannot lose a part of yourself and have it not leave some kind of scar. Time however goes on, things will change and sometimes things you could never see happening actually happen... sometimes the scars that cause so many tears will be a reminder of wonderful things that once were!
Memories that once tormented your broken heart will one day bring a smile to your face and it is then that you will learn to dance in the rain.
Maybe you will even find a rainbow...
In loving memory of wonderful partner, daddy and friend
22.01.83 ~ 05.03.08
Kisses to Heaven