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A while ago I mentioned that I was going to try and write more about my journey of loss... It is an ongoing struggle and some days are worse than others. Today is going to be a sad one for me. My grandfather passed away and although I wasn't particularly close to him (he was my grandmothers second husband) I LOVE my Grandmother. Today I will be going to his funeral, the very last funerals I went to was that of my late partner Ryan and the other men involved in his accident... they were also the first funerals I had EVER attended. Today will stir up a lot of emotion for me, I know the grief my grandmother is going through and although her faith is different to mine the loneliness and missing is still the same. Part of me is scared... I am afraid to see that look in her face that mirrors the look in mine just over 3 years ago. I hated that time so much, I hated having to miss and long to see someone so badly that my very soul ached. At that time it didn't matter to me that he had gone to a better place... I was alone and I was miserable and I wanted nothing more than to have him back. That pain is unbearable and had it not been that I had my little ones to take care of I probably wouldn't have gotten up and pushed through... my little girls were my saving grace. I read a saying a while ago and it said:

You never know how strong you are until strong's you only choice!

For me this was SO true, there is no way I would ever have thought that I could survive losing Ryan. No way I would have ever thought I could be pregnant on my own, raise a baby on my own and take care of three precious little girls on my own for as long as I did... But I did!

So today I want to tell you that you are stronger than you seem and braver than you know!! Life can be hard and it can throw unexpected things at you... It's not about the struggle it's about the climb!!

1 comment:

Jodie-Lee said...

You are an amazingly strong woman and i am sure Ryan would be so proud of you and your girls! I have not lost a partner myself, but have had the sad task of saying goodbye to too many loved ones... the hardest was 3 special little boys... over the past 6 years so I can understand some of what you are feeling...especially when you talk about that look in someones eyes.. i see that look every time i see my cousin...
Sending lots of love and hugs to you today and always Gab! oxox