Moving On.......

I had a lot of trouble with the term 'Moving On' after Ryan passed, I would do things for the first time or progress to another stage of my grief and people would say 'It's great to see you are moving on' I resented that term for the longest time, I fought tooth and nail NOT to move on. For me moving on meant that I was going to be leaving Ryan behind, there was no way I was going to leave him behind.... I love him much too much to just MOVE ON! To be honest I HATED when those words would pass from the lips of another person, they just made me cringe! Of course I had people say a lot of stupid stupid things aswell, I guess most of them came from the awkwardness of the situation. Some of them hurt but I learnt to not take them as hard the next time. Moving on was different for me, it was just so blunt and brutal. I was so very sure that I was NOT going to move on and that I would wear the title widow until the day I died..... that was who I was now and all that really mattered to me was my children and making sure that they had the freedom to grieve with my full support.

Now 2 and 1/2 years after Ryan's accident, I can say that I have finally realised exactly what 'Moving On' is. It's not about Moving On from the person you love it's about Moving On from Guilt and Pain. I found that when Ryan passed my heart was broken so much so that I couldn't even bare the thought that one day it might heal enough to allow me the opportunity to love again and in the early stages I couldn't even bring myself to consider the thought of finding new love. I guess that is one of the hardest things about losing the one you love, realising that you might actually love again (wether you have lost a partner, child, parent or friend). Love is such a blessing and I know in my heart that Ryan would want me to be happy and he would want me to love again. For me loving again wasn't a matter of finding someone I could love or finding someone who could love me but rather of realising that it was okay to love again. Never did I expect to be in a relationship only 2 and a bit years after losing Ryan and of course the realisation that I actually had feelings for another person scared me to death, I struggled with so many thoughts and feelings, How could I feel this way about another person when I'm still very much in love with Ryan? Has it been long enough? How will my children feel? How will Ryan's family feel? Will everyone be upset with me? Will my new man understand my eternal link to Ryan? I was petrified!

I am very blessed however, I am surrounded by a very loving and supportive family and both my own family and Ryan's family were happy for me and of course it seemed that I had been my own worst enemy (one of my biggest flaws is OVER thinking everything!) Of course there is going to be awkward and sad moments, such is life, I have no doubt that we will all come together and pull through as we always have.

Stuff doesn't matter.... LOVE does, It doesn't matter if you are here to hold your families hand or if you hold their heart from a afar it is your LOVE that remains and it is your LOVE that people hold on too, So I hold Ryan in my heart and I choose to MOVE ON, to MOVE ON from being scared of living my life, and I MOVE ON from the guilt of being able to be here with the girls and I MOVE ON from feeling sad for feeling happy. I encourage you to MOVE ON too, You don't have to find love after loss, Not everyone will that's a decision that is entirely up to you! But you can Move on from holding grudges that hold you back and Move on from people that make you miserable, Your life is your story, Make it worth reading! ENJOY IT!

"Love is like the sunrise; hope appeared at the same time on two faces and in two souls connected by the same wonders and tears of life.” - Mariana Fulger


2 comments:

Anonymous said...

That is beautiful Gab, and very inspiring to a widow of only 6monhts. I decided early on in the peace that we all have a choice of how we deal with things.. Although I'm still very scared of what the future holds I am open to new relationships for me and my beautiful kids. Thank you for the inspiration and it's great to hear there is a lot of love still there for Ryan and plenty for someone new. Thanks for sharing, Best of luck x
Kym

Gab said...

Thank~u Kym for your comment and for being brave enough to share!! Hugs to you and your beautiful babies! xx