I wanted to share a beautiful blog post by Sheye Rosemeyer, I have only just started following Sheyes blog after being sent an 'AVA'S RULE' post card. Sheye sadly lost Ava in a horrible accident at the tender age of 3 and a 1/2, You can read about beautiful Ava and how she was premoted to an angel here: http://www.avarosemeyer.memory-of.com/About.aspx
The following post from Sheye's blog is titled FINDING SELF and I wanted to share it because it is so beautifully written, Sheye has put in words exactly how I feel and to read it from someone elses hand is so wonderfully comforting.......
FINDING SELF ~ Sheye Rosemeyer
Another something I’ve discovered… I am less afraid, and more.
Being apart from my children. Not always, but mostly. The ever present fear that this could be the day that becomes another new kind of normal. The inability to assume everything is okay. I need to know that everything is indeed okay. Like many things, I’ve learned to live with it. I don’t like it very much but it’s proven difficult to shrug off.
The understanding that Ava has really gone. Forever. Those seconds where I drift out of sleep and into the awful knowing that I will not see or hold her in this lifetime. I could never even begin to try and explain the total despair that fills those moments.
The realization sometimes that yes, it seems time did make it better but they forgot to tell me the new better is so much less than. There is an impossible leap between the measure of better before and the better we’re existing in now. It’s a strange, unsettling thing to know that this..this enormous flaw in the tale of my life, can not be put right. There are days where that reality sits in front of every waking thought. And it scares me so.
And the less?
I could write endlessly about the things that once worried me and now do not. When you’ve seen one of your worst fears realized, the shift in perspective is incredible. To be forced into that primal state called grief, you emerge altered and strengthened and to some degree, fearless. It’s what lets me share as I do here. The layers are peeled back and the meaningless is stripped away. How glad I am for it..The beauty that has found me in my rawer state is astounding.
There are so many things I might never have done if not for fearlessness. I don’t believe I would be teaching photography, for one. I love that I didn’t let fear hold me back from seeing if it was possible. I love the feeling of genuinely wanting to share what I’ve learned with others..the happiness to hold nothing back.
I love my discovery that, as a Mummy, a photographer, a wife, a friend..my near enough is good enough..It’s all I have. I give my best and I still fall short sometimes and it is okay.
I have no choice but to carry the fear but I do choose to celebrate the fearlessness. Both make up my every day and they remind me to be glad for what remains.
If you would like to read more of Sheye's Blog or see the pictures that occompanied this post you can find it here: http://www.sheyerosemeyerphotography.com/blog/
My near enough is good enough..It’s all I have. I give my best and I still fall short sometimes and it is okay.
~ Sheye Rosemeyer